Author Archives: barryk21

One Day At a Time – Again

So … 80 wildfires are burning in 9 states. Hurricane Irma is heading to us. Two MORE named storms behind that!

When I am looking at something that is heading my way that is 450 miles wide, with a sustained wind speed of 185 mph, it scares the hell out of me.

Will Irma hit my area directly? Hopefully not. Even if not, it will still have a substantial effect on me.

The thought of losing my home shook me for a couple of days.

40 years of my art and photography, that my wife was kind enough to frame after I had stopped dragging it around the world with me after I retired from the military. It’s  irreplaceable, as is the artwork of my mother and father that hangs in our home as well.

Most of all, there is the house. This house is our dream home. It is perfect for us. Never in our wildest imaginations did we think we would ever have something this well suited for us, this comfortable, in our lifetimes. One of my wife’s greatest joys is working in the yard, fussing with this or that, and fussing with the inside of the house as well.  It is our refuge from the world. We love it.

And it could all be gone in an instant. Forever. All of it.

Here are the realities:

I can only do what I can do to prepare, and then, it is no longer up to me.

As long as I have my wife, I have everything I need.

Starting all over at 57 would positively suck, but I would still be better off than most.

It is a living lesson, reminding me once again, that life truly is “One day at a time.”

About People Pleasing

I used to be a people pleaser

In addiction, people pleasing is extremely important for a variety of reasons. If we keep those around us happy, they are less like to really look at us, look at what we are doing, or how we are doing it. The most important reason we people please in addiction is because it is a weapon; it is yet one more tool that we use to manipulate people and in turn, circumstances and outcomes.

Now, “normies” people please too. They do it for some of the same reasons addicted folks do, but mostly, to avoid conflict. For 99% of them, it is not a weapon that they rely on 24/7. Those of us blessed with addictions build our world, our survival on a few simple, but crucial principles:

Always control the situation so we are not found out, dismissed, fired, divorced, arrested, etc.

Hide our addiction(s) at all costs.

Hide the shitty things we do, physically, morally, financially, or otherwise to keep our addiction(s) under wraps. (The joke of that is that most everyone we deal with is aware of our affliction. Most often, even before we are.)

People pleasing keeps things calm, and easy. Less fuss, less muss. If we keep people happy, life is so much easier; so we believe. Now mind you, people pleasing does work up to a point. But in the end, whether clean, sober, or even as a “normie,” those we try the hardest to please so as to gain their favor, or alliance, will treat us as they would treat anyone else.

Another reason we sometimes people please in our addictions is to win friends, because we are lonely or we have a really poor self image and/or sense of self-worth.

In the end, by doing this we are dishonest with those we are trying to please, and most importantly, ourselves. Why? Because we re not being who really are. It’s the same reason we drink, dope, whatever; when we are under the influence, we can be someone, something else – anybody else but who we really are because we are not worthy.

That friends, is why addiction is such a stone cold motherfucker that takes so many lives. It’s the disease that always convinces us that we are shit, and there is no hope for us.

The beauty of being clean and sober is that we see things more clearly. In a good recovery program, we are more inclined to be ourselves, more often. We try to treat those around us as we want to be treated as opposed to currying favor being someone we are not.

People pleasing is not realistic and is not honest behavior. It has no place in a strong recovery.

Old Friends

Photo ©Barry Kerzner

Photo ©Barry Kerzner

So I’m driving in the car the other day and my Simon & Garfunkel playlist is permeating every corner of Earl, my “Hamstermobile,” from stem to stern. It sounds really good too, and I am relishing every moment, singing along. I’m thinking, “I’ve been listening to these songs for almost 50 years and they still have as much meaning for me as when I first heard them as a child. They still sound just as good, and they still move me to tears or make me smile, just as they have all these years.”

Recovery has a lot in common with the Simon & Garfunkel songs I listen to. The things that are read and said at meetings are the “hits” I have been hearing for almost 29 years now. “It works if you work it.” “One day at a time.” “There but for the grace of God go I.” Just like the the Simon & Garfunkel songs have different meaning for me as I live more and grow older, so too do the lessons I am taught in the rooms. The lyrics of the songs haven’t changed; it is me that has changed. I have experienced more, seen more, lived more, and my perceptions have changed because of this.

The song “Old Friends” has been a particular favorite of mine for many reasons. It is a look at a day that once had seemed SO far off, and now seems to be approaching with ever more haste as each year passes. The loneliness, the change, the knowing it can never be as it once was, none of it. Not my life, my loves, my heart; the consequences of the choices I’ve made over the years are more apparent and intrusive now. Some mistakes have no remedies just as some transgressions will not be afforded the opportunity to make amends for. Most of all, looking back on a life and seeing all the missteps and the realization that most can not be changed, or made right again, and the disappointment that comes with this. Knowing that we are shadows of the strong, rebellious, vibrant young people we once were. That is gone now even though it seems like it was just yesterday.

So it is with recovery in some ways. We have to let our mistakes go if we want to move on. That doesn’t mean that we don’t try to make amends where appropriate and where it doesn’t harm others just to assuage our own guilt and/or regret. As we learn from our past, we move into the future. As we get closer to the end though, we are grateful for the time we have been given because deep in our heart of hearts we know that had we not remained clean and sober, we would not have had any of that at all.

Even as time is “running out,” we have to learn to forgive ourselves, which in some ways, if one has any conscience whatsoever, is the hardest thing to do. Once again, even now, we are left with the one basic truth:

one day at a time - serenity prayer coin pair

The Most Important Person

spongebob scared-2

Hey Y’all, I’m back! So, this morning I want to look at something that many, especially long-time clean and/or sober individuals may have forgotten. It’s possible that these fortunate souls have forgotten because they are no longer the what they were when they first came to the rooms to heal their spirits and attempt to remain free of their addiction(s), one day at a time. For a fortunate few, that 1st day is a distant memory in the sense of having occurred a long time ago.

In AA it is said that “The newcomer is the most important person in the room.” In NA it is said that “The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away.”

For many of us, it took a long time before we really understood this. One thing I remember very clearly is being told that “For every ten people that come into the rooms, one will stay. For every ten of those, one will stay sober (clean) five years.” Upon hearing this, my first thought was, “That’s not very good odds!” My second thought was, “That’s bullshit!”

But I wanted to to get sober. I wanted to regain at least some measure of respect for myself, and I wanted to earn back at least some respect from my peers and superiors. I was hanging on to my “career” by the slimmest of threads. When the kind folks at rehab actually come to believe what you are telling them with regard to your indulgence(s) as far as amounts and frequency, and then tell you that if you continue at your current pace you’ll be dead in four months, any sane person says to themselves, “Time to quit.” Of course, as we have seen, many people are not sane enough to get it, and deal with it. Many of those that are still somewhat sane can’t deal with it. Many die.

The more time we spend in “The Rooms,” the more we see. Every now and then we get a glimpse of who we were, and how quickly and easily we are capable of becoming that person again. All we need do is stop working our program of recovery and stop giving away what we have.

There are days when I remember SO vividly who I was when I came into the rooms. Outside, I was calm, cool, and collected. Inside, I was scared of my own shadow. I was desperate to be able to at least look myself in the eye again. Who knows; I might even like myself again. But that fear stayed with me for a long time. The people around me thought I was doing great because I had embraced recovery so whole-heartedly. Inside though, I was scared shitless for quite a long time.

That fear, that desperation, that self-loathing, indifference, and lack of self-esteem and being void of any sense of self-worth was so palatable, I am instantly transported back to it even now, all these many years later. It still makes me shake and gives me chills; my heart still races, my head throbs, and I get that feeling in my gut; you know the one. It’s a tightness that binds you up and won’t hardly let you breathe.

When one comes into a meeting for the first time, (or any time we have relapsed and are starting our journey anew), these are some of the things we experience. Some of us want our jobs back, or our families back, or maybe even ourselves back. Sometimes we “bargain” with ourselves or the universe, or the Gods, or whatever: “If you let me have my family back, I promise I’ll stop (fill in the blank).”

On the other hand, some of us that come into meetings don’t make it and we wind up in jail, mental institutions, (Do they still even have those?), or just dead. Spend enough time working a program of recovery and we see everything.

After all these years, two things are certain in my mind:

The person that is here for the first time is the most important person in attendance.

The further I am from my last drink (fix, pill, snort, affair, whatever), the closer I am to my next one.

— “It works if you work it!” —

What The Hell Happened to You?

Revere-House-Door_5488

It has been just shy of 11 months since I have quit smoking. Last time I wrote here, I was full of a sense of accomplishment. It had taken me 43 years to quit. That’s over four decades of wasted time, wasted money, and in the end, wasted life. Still, I felt good about myself because what kind of recovery would I be working if I could quit drugs, and booze, but not cigarettes?

Since having quit smoking, I have been sick with bronchitis, chest infections, and a persistent “pneumonia” that my healthcare providers are just starting to consider is not really pneumonia.

I look in the mirror these days and I’m thinking, “What the fuck happened to you?” I am not healthy. My sleep pattern is lacking, to say the least. I weigh 40 pounds more than I would care to… I have let myself go.

I think part of it is the realization that maybe the glory days are gone. I appreciate that I am not 20 years old anymore, but I am not ready to be in my mid-fifties either. (Is anyone ever ready for that?) Yes, I am extremely grateful that I am here at all; really, I am. I think I had been hoping that perhaps I might have accomplished more.

I was able to get a job earlier this year but that turned out to not be a good fit, and not the right job for me. On the other hand, I have been promoted to Editor-in-Chief of the music magazine I have been involved with for the past 4 years. In this context, I continue to meet new people, and help musicians and artists where I can. I learn new things about people, publishing, writing, and the music industry every day. I cannot express just how much I am enjoying this particular aspect of my journey, and the personal growth it brings to my life.

So, while “gratitude is the attitude,” I am slowly coming to terms with what is. It is time for a turnaround. I am going to reach deep down, and dig deep one more time and start anew. Physically, I must get into shape, change my diet, and get better quality sleep. Mentally, I must challenge myself again. I think I am finally going to actually make a concerted REAL effort to learn to play the music I enjoy on the guitar, at least passably. I am going to get better at being an editor every day too. Spiritually, no more letting assholes live rent free in my head. Usually, I am pretty good at that.

Part of all this is that I think somewhere deep down inside, I never thought I’d make it this far. Now that I have, I have to plot a course. Again, I am very grateful. I live in a modest home that is the home I always dreamed of. My wife knows me and loves me anyway. She is the best friend I have. I am still crazy about her. I have food on the table, access to healthcare, and always, an ample supply of my own, hand-blended, Happy Budah coffee. Life is good. I don’t have many friends – true friends, but the ones I do have would do anything for me, and they love me, warts and all.

Most importantly, I am still clean and sober. Without this, there can be nothing else. Nothing.