Tag Archives: Recovery

Old Friends

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Photo ©Barry Kerzner

Photo ©Barry Kerzner

So I’m driving in the car the other day and my Simon & Garfunkel playlist is permeating every corner of Earl, my “Hamstermobile,” from stem to stern. It sounds really good too, and I am relishing every moment, singing along. I’m thinking, “I’ve been listening to these songs for almost 50 years and they still have as much meaning for me as when I first heard them as a child. They still sound just as good, and they still move me to tears or make me smile, just as they have all these years.”

Recovery has a lot in common with the Simon & Garfunkel songs I listen to. The things that are read and said at meetings are the “hits” I have been hearing for almost 29 years now. “It works if you work it.” “One day at a time.” “There but for the grace of God go I.” Just like the the Simon & Garfunkel songs have different meaning for me as I live more and grow older, so too do the lessons I am taught in the rooms. The lyrics of the songs haven’t changed; it is me that has changed. I have experienced more, seen more, lived more, and my perceptions have changed because of this.

The song “Old Friends” has been a particular favorite of mine for many reasons. It is a look at a day that once had seemed SO far off, and now seems to be approaching with ever more haste as each year passes. The loneliness, the change, the knowing it can never be as it once was, none of it. Not my life, my loves, my heart; the consequences of the choices I’ve made over the years are more apparent and intrusive now. Some mistakes have no remedies just as some transgressions will not be afforded the opportunity to make amends for. Most of all, looking back on a life and seeing all the missteps and the realization that most can not be changed, or made right again, and the disappointment that comes with this. Knowing that we are shadows of the strong, rebellious, vibrant young people we once were. That is gone now even though it seems like it was just yesterday.

So it is with recovery in some ways. We have to let our mistakes go if we want to move on. That doesn’t mean that we don’t try to make amends where appropriate and where it doesn’t harm others just to assuage our own guilt and/or regret. As we learn from our past, we move into the future. As we get closer to the end though, we are grateful for the time we have been given because deep in our heart of hearts we know that had we not remained clean and sober, we would not have had any of that at all.

Even as time is “running out,” we have to learn to forgive ourselves, which in some ways, if one has any conscience whatsoever, is the hardest thing to do. Once again, even now, we are left with the one basic truth:

one day at a time - serenity prayer coin pair

The Most Important Person

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spongebob scared-2

Hey Y’all, I’m back! So, this morning I want to look at something that many, especially long-time clean and/or sober individuals may have forgotten. It’s possible that these fortunate souls have forgotten because they are no longer the what they were when they first came to the rooms to heal their spirits and attempt to remain free of their addiction(s), one day at a time. For a fortunate few, that 1st day is a distant memory in the sense of having occurred a long time ago.

In AA it is said that “The newcomer is the most important person in the room.” In NA it is said that “The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away.”

For many of us, it took a long time before we really understood this. One thing I remember very clearly is being told that “For every ten people that come into the rooms, one will stay. For every ten of those, one will stay sober (clean) five years.” Upon hearing this, my first thought was, “That’s not very good odds!” My second thought was, “That’s bullshit!”

But I wanted to to get sober. I wanted to regain at least some measure of respect for myself, and I wanted to earn back at least some respect from my peers and superiors. I was hanging on to my “career” by the slimmest of threads. When the kind folks at rehab actually come to believe what you are telling them with regard to your indulgence(s) as far as amounts and frequency, and then tell you that if you continue at your current pace you’ll be dead in four months, any sane person says to themselves, “Time to quit.” Of course, as we have seen, many people are not sane enough to get it, and deal with it. Many of those that are still somewhat sane can’t deal with it. Many die.

The more time we spend in “The Rooms,” the more we see. Every now and then we get a glimpse of who we were, and how quickly and easily we are capable of becoming that person again. All we need do is stop working our program of recovery and stop giving away what we have.

There are days when I remember SO vividly who I was when I came into the rooms. Outside, I was calm, cool, and collected. Inside, I was scared of my own shadow. I was desperate to be able to at least look myself in the eye again. Who knows; I might even like myself again. But that fear stayed with me for a long time. The people around me thought I was doing great because I had embraced recovery so whole-heartedly. Inside though, I was scared shitless for quite a long time.

That fear, that desperation, that self-loathing, indifference, and lack of self-esteem and being void of any sense of self-worth was so palatable, I am instantly transported back to it even now, all these many years later. It still makes me shake and gives me chills; my heart still races, my head throbs, and I get that feeling in my gut; you know the one. It’s a tightness that binds you up and won’t hardly let you breathe.

When one comes into a meeting for the first time, (or any time we have relapsed and are starting our journey anew), these are some of the things we experience. Some of us want our jobs back, or our families back, or maybe even ourselves back. Sometimes we “bargain” with ourselves or the universe, or the Gods, or whatever: “If you let me have my family back, I promise I’ll stop (fill in the blank).”

On the other hand, some of us that come into meetings don’t make it and we wind up in jail, mental institutions, (Do they still even have those?), or just dead. Spend enough time working a program of recovery and we see everything.

After all these years, two things are certain in my mind:

The person that is here for the first time is the most important person in attendance.

The further I am from my last drink (fix, pill, snort, affair, whatever), the closer I am to my next one.

— “It works if you work it!” —

2 Chairs At Sunrise

A New Viewpoint …

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©Kerzner 2002/2012

©Kerzner 2002/2012

*** As you may have noticed, I have been absent for a while here. Not to worry, all is well! I just elected to step away and take care of some other pressing matters that needed attention in one form or another. So, I am back. Thanks for visiting here with us. ***

It has been several months since I have posted here. I have been thinking over some things, working through other things, and just assessing where I am at in my life, and my recovery.

One thing I have noticed is that I try to be more thoughtful before taking a course of action. In my experience, as I get older, the consequences of a decision seem to have more impact and last longer than when I was younger. As a younger person, much more of life seemed to be “black and white.” Now, there are shades of grey that in my mind, figure into decisions as well.

Time seems to be moving faster as I age. I think about events, and then pause and realize that so and so happened 25 years ago, and yet, to me, it seems as though it was only yesterday.

Friends have come and gone. “Friends” have come and gone as well. I am more particular about whom I share time with, and/or devote my time to. I have done some “shit-canning,” or 86ing as most would refer to it; it is the practice of divesting one’s self of baggage. People, places, and things that are not constructive to me, or my recovery are being cast off. One sided relationships have become fewer and fewer, not because I am an asshole, but because some people and places are just not worth my time anymore.

Another reason I have not written is that I have been working on quitting smoking cigarettes for over a year, and still have not quit. For a time, I thought I was being a hypocrite writing about addiction and recovery, and here it is I have not quit the smoking yet. After all, I have been clean and sober since 26 December 1988, but this smoking thing … I have cut back to under 1/2 a pack a day. I have even gone 1-3 days without any. I have concluded that I will quit completely when I am ready, and apparently, I am not ready yet. But, I am working on it.

So, there you have it. I am still evolving, growing, and working on maintaining my recovery. I will continue to work on the areas I am not satisfied with, realizing that some things take time.

Gratitude Is Still the Attitude

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eleanor roosevelt - discuss

Hello to all!

Hope this post finds everyone doing well. Yes, I have been gone for a while, haven’t I? No excuses; it has been far too long!

It has been an interesting year, and I began to concentrate on other things. While I have not neglected my recovery, I obviously have neglected this site. To those who were following me, let me offer my apologies. I will make a renewed effort to write more often in this, the New Year.

This year, like any other was filled with many obstacles I’ve had to navigate; some ethical, some social, some business, and some spiritual.

There have been times this year when I had to make decisions that have put some people off. This is unfortunate, but in the end, I did what I thought was right. Those that were put off can either do their best to see my perspective, even though they don’t agree, or, they can just be put off. Their choice.

In the course of writing, one has to be ever mindful of political sensitivities, as well as personal viewpoints. I have striven to write quality content that is honest, on message, without unnecessary distraction(s) in the outlets I write for. If something is not on point, relative to the story, and the message or theme, I do not bring it into play. In these outlets, I am writing for a specific community, and I see it as my job to be informative, honest, accurate, always moving conversations forward in a productive, positive way. I do not feel I’m be duplicitous by doing this; it’s my responsibility, above all to be professional.

On the social side of things, I have made some changes; some small, and others not so small. I have not been a person that gives with the hope of “getting something in return.” There are those who can not really do anything for me other than be positive, and encourage me. To some, that might not be much, but to me, that is huge! My greatest joy has been to help these people in whatever way I can, even if it is something small, but I know it means a lot to them.

There are others that have helped me in ways that I can not ever repay, tit for tat. As I am usually the one saying, “Don’t worry about it,” this has been difficult for me when I am the one that can not pay someone back, in whatever way. I am getting better though. And, it makes me feel good inside that people care enough to help me achieve my dreams and goals.

There are some adjustments I have made this year as far as dealing with people during the course of “doing business.” Naturally, if a situation becomes intolerable, and the relevant issues can not be resolved in a mutually acceptable manner, one must simply walk away, moving on, and be thankful for the lessons learned. Sometime however, it is not best to move on, if there is a possibility that issues can be resolved.

The biggest issue I’ve dealt with this year has been with people taking me for granted. (Yes, I know that sounds so self-absorbed, but in reality, it is just a matter of practicality, truth, and self-respect.)  In the past, I have given people the benefit of the doubt, but this year, for some reason, I am less and less inclined to do so. There are two ways this happens: Those who just get busy and caught up in their own lives, and those who consciously do it just to squeeze the most they can get out of someone.

If the person is someone close, and someone who is important to me, I’ll see what’s up because maybe there is some serious shit going down in their lives I was not aware of. If I can assist them in some way, and they want my assistance, I will give it.

If it is someone with whom I must do business with, then I am inclined to bring it up and discuss relevant issues. If there is no change, then I speak through actions, or more appropriately, lack of action. Just as silence can be deafening, and as Miles Davis aptly said, “Less is more”, I do not do the extra I had been doing before. I don’t pick up someone’s slack anymore. I carry my weight, and I execute my responsibilities to the best of my ability, but everything else is no longer my concern. (Yes, I am concerned about it to the extent I want it to work out well, but if it is beyond my control, I have to let it go.) And lately, I do not feel angry, nor do I feel guilty. I have worth, as do we all. That’s not conceit, that’s fact. So, for those who no longer value my efforts on the team’s behalf, I guess they will have to pick up the slack, or show me they value my contributions.

As for me, just as me, I have made some strides. On the plus side, I am meeting new people, learning new things, and visiting new places. My recovery is in a good place, and on the 26th of December, I celebrated 26 years clean and sober.

Things I need to work on: Quit smoking and lose weight. Learn more, do more, be more.

The best thing about 2014 is that I am ever more grateful for my wife, Teresa, who encourages me, kicks me in the ass when I need it, and knows me, and loves me anyway. Sure, there are days we drive each other batshit-crazy, but in the end, she is my best friend. I am grateful as well to have a roof over my head, food on the table, and the opportunity to write about the music I love. I am grateful for these past 26 years that I have had, which I would not have lived had I not sought sobriety and recovery.

So, in the end, Gratitude is still the attitude!

Still Learning, Still Growing

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"A long long time ago, I can still remember ..."

“A long long time ago, I can still remember …”

Buddy Guy taught me how to fight for my dreams. Johnny Cash taught me how to live a full life. Muhammad Ali taught me how to stand up for what I believe in, and be true to myself.

If you don’t understand this, go and read about how these gentleman have pursued life, and the obstacles they conquered.